Its time for Monday Night JOHN CENA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!~!
RAW opens with a recap of Seth Rollins' woes of last week. I know Seth, we are all baffled as to why Kane is suddenly being thrust into the main event WWE Championship scene.
We are live from Buffalo (TATANKA~!) New York.
AND HIS NAME IS JOHN CENA~! has arrived to the stage.
Roman Reigns vs Bray Wyatt is announced for later tonight.
Time for the John Cena US Open Challenge. Heath Slater already said he would answer the challenge so lets get it started! WELP! We get the New Day, but which one is challenging?
New Day gives Cena a new catchphrase, "Hustle, Loyalty.... Booty." Uhh, okay?
Cena tells them to pick one, and its Xavier Woods who states "You're gonna get lost in the WOOOOODS!"
Cena takes Woods out with a hard clothesline. Woods rolls to the outside and screams "I WASNT READY!". Woods gets back in the ring but Big E and Kingston try to interfere. The Ref ejects them from ringside as we head to commercial.
Back from commercial and Cena drops Woods with the side slam and the Five Knuckle Shuffle. AA attempt and Woods takes him down with an enzuguiri!
Woods tries some kind of flippy move and Cena just catches him and plants him with a powerbomb.
Woods busts out the Eat D-Feet move on Cena! Nice.
Cena slaps on the STF and here comes New Day. BUT WAIT! HERE COMES THE DUDLEYZ! Cena and the Dudz stand tall until New Day drags D-Von to the outside and start a beatdown. Cena and Bubba go for the save and New Day rushes back into the ring as we cut to commercial.
Back from commercial and its The Authority backstage with "Ashley from HR". In comes Kane all smiles and rainbows. Kane is perplexed as to why HR is involved regarding him. Rollins comes in and Kane gets all angry, sips coffee from his mug and instantly turns happy again and merrily takes Ashley out for the evaluation and to meet the Bellas. Well, he just failed the evaluation.
Meanwhile, in another part of the building its Ambrose and Reigns. Ambrose tries to reason with Reigns on not going alone. Ambrose tells Reigns to take care of Bray and he will take care of the family. Reigns says if Ambrose needs any help then he is sure Randy Orton will be there to help him. Ambrose seems insulted by this and goes off about Orton..... enter Orton! Orton mentions he has unfinished business and will deal with them when he feels like it.
Back from commercial and its time to get AWESOME. Obi Wan Mizobi is in the ring and catching people up on whats going down with the Divas.
Charlotte gets on the mic and says Paige will either come down to the ring and talk to her like a woman, or she will come to the ring and they wont talk but throw down.
Miz says she cant be inviting people onto his show, Becky grabs Miz's mic and tosses it to the stage. Nice throw.
Here comes Team Bella. Blahblah I want the title blahblah....
Charlotte says this is not about who started the Divas revolution, this is about the fans and them believing in this.
Paige makes her way out and starts running everyone down similar to last week. The Bellas say "With friends like her, who needs enemies?" Before getting in the ring Paige says to the Bellas "With boyfriends like yours, who needs ambition?"
6 Divas Tag.... this confuses the shit out of me. Paige is fully cooperative with tags to her team? Logic is lost here.
Well that lasted a few minutes at least. Paige got knocked off the apron and took offense so she walked out, but she was met by Natalia on the stage who blew by her and headed to the ring. As she got on the apron, Paige yanked her down. This distraction caused Charlotte to get Rack Attacked by Nikki and pinned. Team Bella celebrates as Nattie, Lynch and Charlotte head up the ramp.
Recap of the Big Show vs Brock Lesnar match from 2002.
Backstage with Kane and Seth Rollins with Ashley. Kane gives Rollins a present. Seth looks in the box and pulls out..... the head of his statue. Rollins is freaked out by it. Kane doesnt understand what is so wrong about it. Ashley is impressed by Kanes' generosity. Rollins gives the head back and dashes away. Kane holds it up and says "Two heads are better than one!" as Ashley laughs.
Back from commercial and we see the Prime Time Players making their entrance.
Harper and Strowman make their way out. White southern country folk taking on two black men? This isn't going to go very well.
Young is just destroyed. Titus tags in and tries to hold his own against Harper. He elbows Strowman and Strowman just stands there. Big boot, discus clothesline, tag to Strowman and the hangmans bearhug gets the win.
Back from commercial and its review time for Kane! zzzzZZzzz....
Just as Ashley is set to reveal the results, here comes Seth Rollins. He shows us an impressive video package about Kane, the demonic Kane we all know and love.
Seth pleads with Ashley to not give Kane a positive review. He claims he is not going to hell, but to heaven because he had an audience with the Pope and the Pope told him he is going to heaven. Well alrighty then.
Kane suggests Rollins is just having fun, so he shows his own video package of Rollins treatment of Kane over the past several months.
Ashley reads the review and determines Kane is of sound mind and can continue his duties as the DOO of WWE.
Seth absolutely loses it when she says Rollins is the one who needs evaluated. He gets into the ring and after getting in the face of Kane and tossing the title, he gives him the Pedigree! Seth heads out and grabs a chair. Back in the ring and he just destroys Kane with it. Cringe worthy hits to the arms! He Pillmanizes Kanes ankle! Yikes! Kane sells it like a champ. Trainers come out with the stretcher and Rollins seems pretty thrilled with himself.
Why do I have a feeling they will bait n' switch and have Triple H as the man in the Kane mask?
Not sure if the crowd doesn't care or they are in shock because they are really quiet.
They load him into an ambulance, it leaves but comes to a screeching halt. It turns red inside, the doors open, smoke billows out and there is the demon Kane! He hobbles out, stops, takes a crunching stomp (seriously, it produces a cracking/crunching sound like he reset a broken leg) and he makes his way to the ring! Rollins hits him with the chair but it does nothing! Badda Bing, chokeslam in the ring. Kane sets up for the Tombstone but Rollins wiggles out and heads up the ramp. Kane notices the WWE title in the ring and poses with it, setting the posts on fire in the process.
DAH~! Bray asks if Roman say what happened earlier. He vows to enter the battlefield alone. They are the Alpha and the Omega. DAH~!
The Big Guy is at ringside on commentary. Here comes THE Intercontinental Champion, Kevin Owens!
Wow, Rusev. Much Machka.
They brawl to the outside. You can see where this is going. Owens tosses Rusev into Ryback and there's the bell. They team up on Ryback until Dolph Ziggler makes the save. Kevin Owens ducks out, grabs his title and walks to the back.
The Just Dance challenge is shown. Similar to the Ice Challenge, only you just dance and challenge someone to do the same.
Paul Heyman has arrived at the arena and hes walking with a purpose.
Back from commercial and the man himself is in the ring. His name is Paul Heyman. He states anyone who steps in the ring with the Beast in the month of October will be going straight to Hell. Big Show is unmotivated, complacent and Lazy says Heyman, because no one can push him to his limit. But this Saturday, Brock Lesnar plans to change that. A motivated Big Show is a dangerous Big Show and that worries and excites Heyman.
WELL ITS THE BIG SHOOOOW.
He says he isn't going to hurt Heyman. He says Lesnar is afraid of him. He plans to make history again at Madison Square Garden when he beats Lesnar again. Heyman bows out of the ring and Show tells him to prepare for the future.... a future without Brock Lesnar.
Back from commercial and WWE is tooting their horn for selling out Brooklyn so easily for SummerSlam weekend that they are going to do it again for 2016 and 2017. Main event time.
Time for the Samoan Powerhouse, Roman Reigns.
DAH~! Here comes Bray Wyatt. And there's the Family. So much for arriving alone.
Reigns gets on the mic and calls Bray out for bringing out the training wheels. He asks the Family if they really see him as a leader because all he sees is a little bitch. Bray gets in the ears of Harper and Strowman and they leave. Im sure they'll be back.
Bell rings and its CLUBBERIN! CLUBBERIN TONAY! Fists everywhere. That flying dropkick on the apron is amazing every time I see it.
Wyatt has one hell of a chokeslam, or more of a standing uranage. Either way it looks hella painful.
GEEZUZ. Pretty sure Wyatt just gave Reigns a whiplash from that hellacious clothesline.
Reigns goes for a spear, Wyatt hits him with a kick which just makes Reigns angry, he tries again, ducks a clothesline, rebounds and hits the Superman Punch! They brawl all over the outside and its a double count out. Fighting into the crowd now! Wyatt tossed a production crew member into Reigns. THAT was funny. Wyatt tosses himself into Reigns and they crash through the barricade! GOOD GAWD ALMIGHTY! This is a brawl that should have been saved for a PPV! Wyatt celebrates on the announce table and Reigns pops up from nowhere with a spear and they crash through the table! CARNAGE EVERYWHERE! ITS AMAZING!